Are narcissists warped sexually?

[Ella Scott]

On the thread topic "Being Married to a Narcissist," a few of us got on the topic of narcissists and sex/intimacy. I'm copying what I posted to this discussion thread a couple days ago and am interested in hearing what others who have been involved with narcissists found.

Narcissists love pornography. As Sam Vaknin has pointed out, they are warped sexually. Not because they like porn, but because they are addicted to porn and prefer to watch porn rather than be intimate with their significant other. My ex would rather watch porn than sleep with me any day of the week. It makes sense if you think about it. Of course they prefer to masturbate by themselves to pornography rather than be intimate with another person. They get turned on by their own image! I talk about this more in my book in the sub-chapter titled, "He avoids intimacy and sex." They have what's known as a Madonna-whor e complex, which ultimately explains it all. They are only turned on by whor e's (porn stars or strippers) and view any other type of woman as a Madonna, completely sexless. If they are a cerebral narcissist, they avoid sex and regard it as a maintenance chore required to sustain their narcissistic supply - a.k.a. their significant other. If they are a somatic narcissist, sex with several different women is a means to get narcissistic supply, but nothing more. Narcissistic Supply = Attention/Affirmation

[Guest]

Ella, not all NPDs don’t like sex, and not all people that don’t like sex are NPDs.

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Of course they prefer to masturbate by themselves to pornography rather than be intimate with another person.
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Sex is not just act of intimacy. It is pretty massy, requires lots of energy and looks pretty ugly. Jumping on a top of other person or having some one jumping on a top of is not the best idea of good time for many people. I think sex is overrated. Masturbation is not a symptom of NPD. It gives you some satisfaction and fun, and it is easy and convenient to do. If you don’t feel like riding the horse after long working day, but like to relax with fantasy or two, I don’t see how it makes you NPD. I also don’t believe in Madonna- sleeper complex, besides- Sam did not say “any other woman” as Madonna. He said- the significant other.

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My ex would rather watch porn than sleep with me any day of the week. It makes sense if you think about it.
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Ella, how often did you ex was using cocaine? You probably know it with out me telling this, that cocaine is a stimulant and sex on cocaine is good. This is actually very popular thing to do. And it is good to do while watching porn. Not saying- it is not good with the partner, however- it is not as good if partner is not using. Unless there totally open expression of emotions, and one can say, Yes, dear, I am high now and for next 15 minutes I need you to hold my balls and repeat my name”, it is easier to just watch porno.

And have you read this article? I can post it if you missed. And- here is a website related to the topic. www.asexuality.org/home/

[massagelady1]

Hello everyone,
Narcissists have proudly confided their sexual skills to me, particularly those which were of a solitary persuasion . They seemed not at all selfconcious about these revelations, and
at the time I mistook this to be a sign of sexual openness , between a couple falling in love.I would say that the things they talked about, and the desire to include me were for the wrong reasons. The early sexual experiences were routines designed to dazzle. This was always too much work and trouble to keep up for long, irregardless of my boundless awe and accolades. One just got bored and abandoned me sexually, while another slid deeper into the deviant. They are practitionors of distortion , as warped as a fun house mirror., I have been cast as lovely assistant, audience, and finally devalued as stage prop by cheap illusionists who try to palm off masterbation (no pun intended,honest) and other exhibitions as lovemaking. Candice

[Ella Scott]

Thanks for your responses. I didn't mean to imply that all narcissists don't like sex nor did I say all people that don't like sex are narcissists. My ex never used cocaine around me so I can't comment on your thoughts related to coke and sex/pornography. I wasn't necessarily referring to him either when I made that comment. In general, narcissists avoid intimacy. The main problem I have found is that narcissists do not view sex as an expression of love. They see sex and love as two completely separate entities. Love is pure and sexless. Sex is dirty and bad. I think it's sad they feel this way. I personally believe sex is a beautiful thing and is something sacred to be shared with someone you love and trust. It's an expression of love and I think it's sad that many narcissists don't see it this way.

[Guest]

The main problem I have found is that narcissists do not view sex as an expression of love. They see sex and love as two completely separate entities.
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No- men do not view sex as expression of love.

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I personally believe sex is a beautiful thing and is something sacred to be shared with someone you love and trust. It's an expression of love and I think it's sad that many narcissists don't see it this way.
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Many MEN don't see it that way, as sad as it can be.

[massagelady1]

Intellectually, my N understood the differences and the connection between sex and love. In our very early pre courtship coversations he explained his thoughts on sex and love . He said that at his age he didnt believe in casual sex, that there was nothing like sex with someone that you are in love with.I had been this mans massage therapist for over two years .Almost every friday night I would go to his house and massage him for at least two hours. Even then I thought somthing was strange because he was so aloof to me. Most clients are very friendly, . My N used to lay there as quiet as a mouse, and for the first year left his flannel plaid shorts on! He didnt like any conversation at all and I was silent the whole time watching the TV which he always had put on .Sometimes he fell asleep. I felt he didnt like me. He called me because I did a good job on his chronically injured shoulder.One night he called me and said that he heard I was getting divorced ,I told him this was true . He sad"I would have never, ever, said anything while you were married , you know how quiet I am , but I want you to know that I fell in love with you one massage at a time".Soon after that he came over and spent the night. Remember the old country song "He called me Baby,Baby ,all night long.?By the next morning we were a couple, sex was frequent , sweet and loving, almost but with an overhanging Victorian morality that I was too spellbound to think about. Soon sex became less and less frequent and he treated me like a composite of a mother and a daughter.Even at the end of the relationship he loved to sleep together and liked to fall asleep rubbing my back . He always loved to cuddle but not in a way that led to sex. In the end I felt like his favorite pillow .This, although better than nothing , I would say had some warps in it in it somewhere.

[dawnger]

It took me up until now when I read these postings that I now understand why my husband -- soon to be ex- -- N went to strip clubs and masturbated, as he called it like a "monkey." I've done a little more research as far as the two different types ofc N goes and he definitely fits the type. Although I am unsure which type he actually does fit, because I'm not 100% sure if he's been active with other women (or men). Before we got married, our sex life was pretty good. I'll admit there were a few things that were different and not very conventional, but I was willing to try almost anything to make this guy happy. He'd been with prostitutes before as well as with at least two threesomes that I'm aware of. I can only guess that there have been several other things that were odd. After we got married and he stated the honeymoon was over, I was lucky if I got sex once a week or every two weeks sometimes. He said that I complained that we weren't having sex so then after he finally let up on Saturday morning at 9 when the baby would be fussing, he would say, "Is that all I had to do was to make you happy?" His last girlfriend he would say that he would have to "give the dog a bone." I never quite understood why he said that until I read everyone else's postings. He would go to the strip club sometimes 3 or 4 nights a week, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars. He claimed that the reason he "wore a condom" was to not mess his pants. Reading all this from you all makes me wonder if there isn't some truth to that as opposed to him actually cheating on me with the dancers or prostitutes. Then, he'd come home at 4 or 5 in the morning, after working all day, drunk, smelling of cheap perfume and would either pass out or go to the computer to masturbate. ON a couple occasions, I would actually go in and ask if he needed help. I feel like I must have been desperate to have tried so hard to keep our marriage happy and for us to stay together forever. After he'd gone to Vegas 5 weeks before our daughter was born, I'd found out that he'd called an escort service -- again, whether or not he'd actually done anything, who knows. I've also read that a lot of somatic N are possibly gay. So, when I'd accuse him of cheating on me with "another woman," possibly I've been wrong. His main attraction with the masturbation and viewing pornography was, as he put it, "the money shot." I wonder if what he enjoyed watching was other men's thingyes? Anyone ever deal with this type? I am so afraid that I'm going to find another N. I don't want to be alone and would love companionship, but so afraid to even date.

[Ella Scott]

Wow, sounds like very typical behavior of a narcissist in a relationship. When in a long-term relationship, narcissists view sex as a chore, which is why your ex used to say that "he had to give the dog a bone," when he talked about having sex with his ex-girlfriend.

It's really sad. Narcissists get more turned on by the image of their own body than someone else's, especially someone who looks different than them (i.e. a woman). In my opinion, narcissists are more apt to be turned on by the mirror image of themselves, which in their case, would be another male. Thus, giving rise to the theory that some narcissists could be latent homosexuals.

I've heard this theory before and it has definitely given me reason to pause and think about the possibility that the real reason they enjoy watching porn is to watch the virile men performing like champs. I questioned one of my ex-narcissists once whether he was gay. He, of course, freaked out and denied it. However, it's always something I've wondered in all my relationships with narcissists.

I know it's scary to date again. I have a hard time trusting my judgment too. When you do meet someone new you want to date, take it slow, give it time and don't ignore any signs. Explore them and talk to someone you trust about any concerns you have. Don't bury your head in the sand, like I've done in the past. Be honest with yourself and real. Clarity will eventually come to you if you are honest and stay true to yourself.

[dawnger]

Yes, I, to have asked him whether or not he was gay. In fact, I have a set of 10x13 photos of him with his arm around another guy when he was about 18-19. I've never seen him smile with his teeth, except in this photos and you can tell he has an erection. I've wondered big time. As for us having a child, I think his parents wanted their wonderboy to have a child so bad and he has tricked me into several things, including moving out of state and now we are divorcing -- which is going on two years. Everything is always about him. Every sentence he writes to me begins with the word "I." I am unable to communicate with him verbally because he twists everything around and lies. So, I've stated that the only way I'd communicate with him is by email, and now these emails show a good deal amount about his views and attitudes. The funny thing was that he was always paranoid about me taping our conversations and I hang up on him when he'd make the insinuation (because I'd taped him before). But, what's funny is that he didn't want to be taped, but now I have an every accounting of every word he says without having to have it transcribed. My attorney says that a man with his job (manager for a transmission company) couldn't possibly be a narcissist, but i've read otherwise. What do you think? I told my attorney that I wanted him evaluated by a psychoanalyst and he says no, because we need to keep the playing field level. We've already had one evalauation and it didn't come to his advantage so the agreement was that we could have another one, then if I don't like the outcome from the evaluator that he hired then I can have another one. It's a big joke. Now I have my innocent daughter who is going to pay for his actions if the court and evaluator don't see him for the N that he is.

[Guest]

Many people view sex as chore. Especially women. And some men as well. Man expected to "always want to have sex", and many men acting on this expectation and actually believe- they do want sex. It takes some guts for a man to admit that he does not really wants sex that much. And there is nothing wrong with it. I personally sick and tired of every man I am dating, expecting sex on 3rd date. C'mon now! isn't it enough that we have great time together? Nop. They would ruing good relationships, just because they been told that they supposed to be getting sex, and if they are not- something is wrong with relationships or the partner. Many people don't even realize that you don't have to have sex to have intimacy. The chore- hell- yeah! All the time! I am doing my best to avoid it, but some time you just have to do it to keep relationships. So- yes, it is a chore. I been married. I had to give my h sex as people believe- it is marrital obligation. I liked him as a person. We were close, had lots in common, but sexually- I was never in to him. But I had to do it. Hopefully- once or twice a month- happy if I get away with less. What- is it so unusual to you all? Yes, I was with the wrong man. But so as many many men. They just may be with wrong woman. They like several aspects of relationships, but sex is not strongest one. And it is ok. That does not make anyone Narcissist.

[am]

I am finding that I may be married to one. He is a Merchant Marine Officer, and he is gone 26 days and home 26 days. He is here physically when home, however, he is like in his own world and does not like to be bothered with conversation. He is in his own world.

He has been caught on Porno and secret emails. He is faced with the evidence and it is not his fault, or someone else has done it. Even with his picture on it. He has never admitted he is wrong and he gets angry with me.

I dont trust him and if we end up fighting and I make him lose control and call me names.

I just dont understand, how you can see what you have done, and deny it like we are stupid.

[Robert]

Sept 6, 2007 14:21:02 GMT -5 Guest said:

The main problem I have found is that narcissists do not view sex as an expression of love. They see sex and love as two completely separate entities.
`````````````````
No- men do not view sex as expression of love.

````````````````````
I personally believe sex is a beautiful thing and is something sacred to be shared with someone you love and trust. It's an expression of love and I think it's sad that many narcissists don't see it this way.
```````````````
Many MEN don't see it that way, as sad as it can be.

[Robert]

I realize that I'm in the minority on this site (male), but I've gone with a mature female narcissist for nearly two years, and I am currently trying to break away from her. I never knew that a human being could be so hurtful, selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate and superficial. This even includes emergency situations (accident, illiness, etc.) The have one objective: to satisfy their insatiable desire for themselves. You are just a plaything to be discarded when they tire of you.

To me, the discussions above about sex and love from a narcissist completely miss the mark. Narcissists have no authentic motions. They recreate the emotions of others. As such, they cannot truly love. What you hear and see is just a facade. It doesn't exist. Regarding sex, narcissists enjoy "receiving" sex, but they really aren't concerned about pleasing you. Sure, they go through the motions and may seem like they are trying to satisfy you. That's why if they appear to be reciprocating, it's done halfheartedly.

[Bob]

Sept 6, 2007 14:21:02 GMT -5 Guest said:

The main problem I have found is that narcissists do not view sex as an expression of love. They see sex and love as two completely separate entities.
`````````````````
No- men do not view sex as expression of love.

````````````````````
I personally believe sex is a beautiful thing and is something sacred to be shared with someone you love and trust. It's an expression of love and I think it's sad that many narcissists don't see it this way.
```````````````
Many MEN don't see it that way, as sad as it can be.

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