do they ever regret ditching you?

[guest]

I'm really struggling with the pain of the suspected N disapearing from my life. Do you think they ever regret leaving? Or are they not capable of missing you? Any insight would help...

[Ella Scott]

In their own strange way, narcissists do miss you when you're gone. However, what they miss is the attention you once gave them. They miss the attention a.k.a. Narcissistic Supply (NS). Unfortunately, NS can be easily replaced. They like their NS to be ever-changing and dynamic. They crave variety. It is inevitable that they will move on to different NS every so many years. Because they are usually charming, they have no problem replacing their NS whenever they feel like it.

[massagelady1]

When my N left , we had several prolonged weeks of his calling and being very hateful. Not once did he express regret in the ending of our 6 year relationship. He was only concerned that all of his possessions were accounted for. He also tried to talk me out of some of my things. He became fanatical in trying to persuede me into trading my beautiful kayak for his junky old lawnmower. He never in six years indicated that he wanted to go kayaking. I believe he was trying to impress a new N supply before he even got all of his belongings out of my house. I told him that we needed to keep our own things, he became enraged and called me 7 times at work that day to try to get that kayak, I had to take it to a friends house to get him to stop badgering me. All of his regretts were materialistic, I have since found things missing which he had to have taken. He returned a large bedroom mirror that I called him about just last week. I think he was stealing to get back at me as ,he had no use for anything he took.I believe that he is afraid what I will tell mutual friends and aquaintences. Everyone see right thru him as they have all had problems with him at one time or another . They all treat me so well since he left . Strangely, they tell me that he only says good things about me . I think he is afraid that if he says anything bad I will get to talking and make him look foolish or worse. He would especially hate to have me talk about his cheapness , his impotence, or his laziness . This would make him look less important to those he wishes to keep impressed. This N seemed to last about 5 years with each woman . It appears that he instigates breakups, and then plays the victem,after getting left or booted out. Repeatedly he has told me that "women always promise me that they will stay forever , but they always leave".Self fulfilled prophecy. My regret is that I took so long to kick him out. Everything he took has been replaced with something better . I have been seeing fun men I would have never met while I was with N . I was surprised yesterday with beautiful yellow roses !! I havent gotten flowers in years, and corney as it sounds, I almost cried. Please ladies, get rid of these guys so nice normal people will find you approchable. The happiness people told me would happen once I got rid of him is really beginning. I had no room or time for good things while preoccupied with N so I thought they didnt exist. I thought he was all there was for me. Boy, was I amazed to see the sun come out! Your Ns will never get better,I really know this now. It dosent matter if he regrets ditching you, or not .Try not to waste much energy mourning, pitying, or hating him, it only prolongs your pain, he will never change. You cant make a crooked stick straight!

[guest]

Thank you Massagelady. I appreciate your words.

[mer]

They miss you if you stop paying attention to them. Sometimes that makes them come back. Its a power thing. You suddenly have power, so they come back into your life to try to do something to disempower you. Then you are left broken and hurting while they run off and move on elseware. The good news is that they will never be truely happy. Its like a drug addict. They can get high, but its not natural, and the down is too difficult to look at so they don't they just run off for more high. They loose interest in you when there is no more game to play. The good news is when they are out of your life, you can do things to get your power back like exercise, eat right, set goals, get a facial, shoe shop, flirt, what ever gets you high naturally without a man. Hopfully one day, a good looking 'nice' one comes along, and you have studied enough to know the difference and snatch him up with your new relationship skills and fabulous positive energy.

[massagelady1]

Yes mer,
The best revenge is living well! I am glad that you understand so well what they can do. I have recently dated a couple of Ns and found that once you understand how they work you wont fall for them like you would have in the past. I have even found a man who really likes sex , and guess what ! he says the biggest thrill is pleasing me! This is not a man that I would have been attracted to in the past He is not handsome, exciting, dangerous, or charismatic as my ex ,I am attracted to his kindness, generosity , interest in my family, his tact and sweet temperment.My stomach is not in knots , I dont wait in misery waiting for the phone to ring , afraid that he is mad or losing interest. This is the most stress free relationship I have ever been in. I am not in torment when he is not with me. I can patiently look forward to our next meeting . I know that even if we drift apart , It will be a toleraable kind , and respectful seperation , not the horrible , theatrics, the Ns put us thru.I could have been with him 6 years ago, but I was to busy trying to change my N I am having fun again ,and have reunited with friends and family I thoughtless discarded in favor of my N whom I was addicted to. I ran into his "Best friend'yesterday at the phone company.He waved and smiled broadly at me . This is the man who helped move him out of my house. I cant imagine being nice to some man who would have thrown out my best girlfriend . He would have stopped to chat if I wasnt busy with the phone salesman. When he left, he turned around in the parking lot outside to wave goodby! Strange!! I am sorry that you are still hurting , It is so hard when we are chemically bonded with them, they really get under our skin. I know how adorable they can appear . You will probably realize someday if you havent already, that you were never happy during those five years, only waiting to be happy, and waiting to discover the magic words that would make him the lover he promised to be. I think part of the hurt is that we are still feeling partly responsible for the failure of the relationship, and are hoping for the miracle that will reunite us with our tormentors so we can get it right. I think that you will find in future relationships that the kindness and tolerance you have become so skilled at is better appreciated by a more worthy reciepient and not just wasted efforts. Does your N return from time to time? Does he say he wants to come back? or does he just let you get a glimpse of him? , and a taste of his charm ?, hoping to open up wounds and get you going again . I think that my ex N may want to do this. Hurting us empowers them so. Good luck and congratulations on your strength, and determination to make a happy life for yourself and loved ones. Someday you will wonder what you ever saw in him. I promise it will get better ,the longer you stay away.

[Ella Scott]

Massagelady - I'm so happy for you that you're with a good, decent and caring man right now. They do exist! Please keep sharing your story with us. It's very inspirational!

[BJ]

I am learning not to care. After 7 years of this crap, being discard effort the last time. I decided "no more". While he was silencing me, I decided to write the"Desr John" letter. I am determined to move on. It has changed my life , I am learning from reading and researching. This is the bottom line, I was in love with the Phase one. I was in love with who I wanted him to be, not the man he is! Understanding that has helped be grow! Once you learn that coceot, you can pull sea better.