Moving on.....

[kate]

Hello Everyone,

I've just finished Ella's book which I found extremely interesting.

Five weeks ago my 2 year relationship ended and it had been very difficult for one year but I tried everything to make it work.

I wasn't aware of the traits of a Narcissist until the relationship ended abruptly and I tried to seek closure by myself. I cannot express how after the split it suddenly dawned on me that I had been used and abused. Is love really that blind???

He ended it and collected his things without remorse as though I was a stranger. He was just interested in getting the money that I apparently owed him... money for gifts he had bought me etc. Sound familiar???

I have not heard from him since the split over 1 month now and this hurts...

Anyway

We had been in therapy for 2 months with my therapist of two years after he physically hurt me which was his suggestion.

The relationship started as an affair, he was my boss, right under the nose of his wife. He convinced me it was over between them and I believed him as I had been working with them both for four months and knew she was also unhappy.

He was flirty and the attraction was so powerful I confided in him my feelings and the affair started.... She found out and sacked me and chucked him out. He was 15 years my senior and when I was hooked on him he told me he had been married six times with 5 children with 4 different wives. It didn't change my feelings as this man was the man of my dreams...goodlooking and charming. He wrote wonderful love letters.

Anyway we moved in together very quickly...to soon for me but he told me I was his life and his wife filed for divorce blaming me.
When his divorce and finaces were settled, things changed and he started to show a lack of repect to me and became friends with his ex wife as they had two children together. I have to say I put 100% into those kids.

His behaviour changed to...

Raging if I had a problem with his behaviour.
Devaluing and demeaning me in front of his children.
Not understanding or listening to my needs. No empathy.
Mechanical sex almost treating me like a prostitute.
Mistreating and threatening my pets.
Buying me gifts and then asking for the money.
Emotional abuse. Physical abuse and blaming me for his actions.
Convincing me I suffered from depression and it was all my fault.
Not keeping his word. Threatening and taunting behaviour.
Expecting me to work around his daily routine.
Invading my space but I couldn't invade his.
Telling me that his children were a priority and I meant nothing.
Flirting with women excessively in front of me.
He had to know where I was at all times and If I failed to answer the phone he would go crazy... and many more traits.

This man was abandoned by his father and treated badly by his mother when he was a child.

Our relationship ended because we were destroying each other. His words. And I agreed with him.

The part I need help with is that for the entire relationship he had promised that we would get a business together which he asked me to look for. I spent months looking and we viewed about 20 businesses. He always found a problem but it was my incentive to make the relationship work.

He ended the relationship after I found the perfect business which we had viewed together and were going to start 1st December 2007. Obviously I was used to find a business and new life he would be happy with going alone.

I must add the business is a restaurant and his entire staff is made up of 9 women/girls - no men so a fantastic new supply of NS.
I discovered he starts the business on the 1st December and my problem is because I imagined us together working this business although we are apart I can't stop fantasising about it...living the experience. It's what I wanted for us for so long.

Following the break up I am sure he is a Narcissist which was a shocking discovery for me. The only thing is i have realised my love addiction tendancies and I am having a torture of a time stopping the obsession.

Any ideas? What can I do??

[massagelady1]

Dear Kate, Congratulations on having the strength to move on. N's are so charming , Ill bet he could also appear like a sweet little boy lost couldnt he ? It takes a while for the heart to catch up with the head. Sometimes I miss my ex N almost to tears. He was also only concerned wih getting his belongings together when he moved out, no regrett for the death of a six year relationship. Now that you understand what an N is ,and how they work you will be much less likely to be sucked in again . We fell in love with an illusion , so many of the feelings we had for them were not memories of our times with them , only fantasies of what we hoped they would be . N's always have a great story, with little or no substance , they always produce the minimal amount to keep you hooked , beliving there will be more. my N was able to get by on promises and declarations which never saw fulfillment. these lures were always discarded for a more appealing grand plan . Long after I lost all faith in him i continued to reward him for his empty intentions because to exhibit doubt in him incited anger and insults. Just be glad you got out before he hurt you worse. there are letters here from women who have lost many years, all their money and most importantly relationships with family and friends. All you can do is cut your losses, count your blessings, and be grateful that he is out of your life. Now you are available to meet more deserving people. Being aware of the N's will automatically make them less appealing to you, maaking you less vulnerable to falling for another one. It will get better. In many ways I think that being with Ns, recognising, and detonating their selfish intentions has made me a wiser and stronger personN.o thanks to them , Ns have even asked me to thank them for putting me out of my misery , when relationships have ended or floundered past the point of ressurection. The ultimate of selfishness. Stay strong and dont go back even if he begs and promises to change, sometimes their current N supply isnt instantly satisfying ,and they will come around looking for a quick fix untill something new comes along, then they will rebreak your heart again , and blame you for blowing your second ,or third chance. Good luck . someone will always be here for you!
Candice

[kate]

Thank you for your support and kindness. Candice.

It is still hurting...I know its only 5 weeks. My doctor said yesterday I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress so the valium is helping me. My family just don't get it??

I haven't heard from my N BUT I saw him the other day...
He was driving taking a very particular route to where I work which is also the route to where we and then he used to live and work. I was driving home from work. I can only assume that he is seeing someone from where he used to work as there is no other reason for him to be in this area now.

He drove past and raised his hand to me in acknowledgement. I just ignored him and drove on and then had a full blown panic attack.

Obviously it brought back all the feelings as a connection of sorts had been made.

I now fear going to work just in case he drives past me again or even worse with his new woman (somone I fear I will know) sitting beside him.

When will all this stop? I feel like moving away!!!

[Ella Scott]

Kate - I'm so sorry to hear all you've been through. Your ex definitely sounds like a narcissist. I know it's hard right now, but hang in there. Stay strong. It will be worth it. You do not need a man like this....he will only cause you pain. It's a roller coaster. I know it's easy to just remember the fun times you had with him, but instead, every time you miss him, focus on the horrible way he treated you. He physically hurt you. Don't ever lose sight of this. He doesn't deserve to share the same air as you. Don't let him near you. You're so much better off without him. I know it doesn't seem like that right now, but trust me and be patient. It will be worth it. They say what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. You have learned a lot from this experience and no one can ever take that away from you.....certainly don't let him take this from you. Stay strong and know there are men out there capable of real and genuine love and that is who you deserve!

Best,
Ella