My Narcissist

[sharon1970]

This is a wonderful site. I'm so happy to have found it. It has really helped me deal with the feelings of dejection and betrayal i have felt throughout my whole relationship with my N.

My N and i were together for 2 years. I knew he was an N 6 months into our relationship but i remained in the relationship because like many of you i thought i had the ability and strength to help him deal with his demons. Quite naive of me. As Sam mentions in his site, to survive a narcissist one has to be completely emotionally and financially independent (which i was not).

I was attracted to the contrast of strength vs sensitivity. He engulfed me with admiration and love but any weakness on my part and i was swiflty devalued. Made feel like an object. He would blame me for little things that he should be taking responibility for and critized my opinion on just about any topic.

At the core, he is a typical N: haughty arrogance, inability to sympathize, always right, shifting blame, dispises weakness, very critical, brooding, excessive drinking, emotionally unavailbale, enjoys porn and autoerotic stimulation (he had a sexless relationship with a woman for 10 years - who was an inverted narcissist), engages in frustrating behaviour, punishment etc.,

However, he is not typical in that he has managed to become very successful and despite his wealth he leads a very simple life - he brags about his frugalness and despises flash as he associates it with shallowness. However he is attracted to finer things in life, good breeding, depth, intelligence and simplicity, profundity, gentleness, strength and integrity. He loves contradictions (he hides behind it). Unlike other N's he seems aware of his predicament, his deep seated fears of abandonment, rejection, humiliation etc., but part of him is also proud of it. i think he feels special to play the victim and to know he suffers. He craves for real connections with people but is unable to put himself in a position of vulnerablilty with others - always has his walls up. He always portrayed himself as victim and i felt a deep compassion for him. I wanted to show him/offer him a secure safe relationship.

We had a pretty turbulent relationship with lots of fighting and breaking up (both of us, but mainly me breaking up with him and then changing my mind) as a result of his behaviour and his insecurities/perceptions. Our relationship ended 2 months ago after a big blow out (he didn't want to get married due to the fighting ). As usual, he shifted the blame onto me. I knew i was being manipulated but i still held out hope for us. I believed that if we were married we would be able to work on our issues.

I should be happy that he did not want to give it another chance especially reading some of the posts here. But i still wonder, was my N that bad, could he have gotten better. I am still having a difficult time reconciling his condition/pathology with my feelings inadequacy and ultimately failing to stand my ground in the relationship. I allowed him to take advantage of me over and over. I think like most of the woman on here i also believed a self sacrificing attitude would have been rewarded somehow. Looking back i realized that his brinkmanship kept me afraid of loosing him and therefore i gave in when i shouldn't have. I realize that this was all part of the manipulation and a natural selection process for him.

He is a child really and children need consistency and discipline and will always try to push the envelope and disrepect those that do not provide boundaries. I feel that if i had been stronger without him feeling i was trying to defeat him we could have been happy. I continue to have my doubts and feel jealous of the next woman he chooses. I still hope he will change his mind and come back.

I wonder if this is typical when you come out of a relationship with a narcissist?

Thanks for reading my story.

[massagelady1]

Hi all ,Hi Sharon! Here are the words of a song that remind me of being with the Ns. It was written by W.S.Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan for the operetta" H.M.S. Pinafore "or ,"The Lass who Loved a Sailor"It was first performed on May 28, 1878.
"Sorry her Lot Who Loves too Well"
Sorry her lot who loves too well,
Heavy the heart that loves but vainly
Sad are the sighs that own the spell,
Uttered by eyes that speak to plainly.
Sorry her lot who loves too well,
Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly.
Heavy the sorrow that bows the head,
When love is alive and hope is dead.
When love is alive and hope is dead!
Sad is the hour when sets the sun-
Dark is the night to earths poor daughter
When to the ark the wearied one
flies from the empty waste of waters.
Sad is the hour when sets the sun -
Dark is the night to earths poor daughters,
Heavy is the sorrow that bows the head,
When love is alive and hope is dead,
When love is alive and hope is dead.

[Ella Scott]

Haven't been on in awhile and am happy to see some new members. Welcome! Sharon - I totally know what you mean when you say you always hoped that somehow your sacrifice would pay off or you would be rewarded in some way for your suffering. Unfortunately, that never happens. It took me eight years to finally realize this. I kept waiting for some small change in him...thinking my efforts might someday be rewarded, but no. Narcissists cannot change. You accept them for who they are with no expectations of any change or you leave the relationship. It is torture to stay in a relationship with a narcissist thinking you can change him. It will never happen. You are lucky you got out of this relationship when you did. Don't spend anymore time even thinking about him! You deserve someone who is capable of real, genuine love and narcissists are not. It's sad, but true. I often feel sorry for them, but like I said, they cannot change and rarely do they want to.