confronting the narcissist after he disappears.

[guest]

HI everyone. I am new to this board. Eight weeks ago my boyfriend who I know believe to be a narcissist or sociopath hung up on me on the phone after a minor disagreement and I never heard from him again. I'm ashamed to say that over the past four years this has happened four times in the same manner. Each time this has happened I have sought him out looking for answers. This time I have not made any attempts at contact. I feel good about this but struggle as I really want to confront him face to face. Can anyone relate and does this sound like narcissitic behaviour to you? Any comments or insight would help!!!

[guest]

This calls manipulation. It is a way to get it his way. Type of blackmail.

[harbourwoman]

Yes, it is the equivalent of a two year old holding his breath or saying "you can't make me.. come find me if you want to "punish me." It is a very childish thing to do. Let him be. He will eventually breathe. Start evaluating the responses as if you were parenting a two to 3 year old and it will help you with your reactions. It truly seems to be the "logic" of that mind.. even with how N's whine and how they speak. Listen closely and you *will* hear the child. When parenting children, there are ways to address temper tantrums.. only you are dealing with an X- age three year old. Let him be.

[Ella Scott]

I love how you put it, harbourwoman. Narcissists are just like children. They have a sense of entitlement similar to that of a small child or infant. The only difference is an infant has to be dependent on the constant attention of others in order to survive. A narcissist does not need attention from others to survive, but most certainly needs it to thrive. It's quite sad, really.

One of the most well-known theories in psychology is Sigmund Freud's theory that as children, we pass through different psychosexual stages. According to Freud, if a child is over-indulged or under-indulged in any of these stages, it results in what he calls fixation. Fixation describes an adult who is stuck or attached to an earlier childhood mode of satisfaction.

Think of adults who have an oral fixation to cigarettes or food. They may have sucked their thumb or used a pacifier too long as a child. I know I sucked my thumb until I was nine-years-old and was addicted to cigarettes for many years as an adult.

An infant does not see others as indistinguishable from the self. An infant or small child perceives the world as an extension of himself. Children feel that people, particularly mother, are present to cater to their every need. They know if they cry, they can elicit an immediate response in those around them. They will be presented with food and cradling in response to any fussing or crying on their part. They see others as existing solely for their purpose.

I believe this explains why many selfish people are often compared to children. They have a sense of entitlement that is similar to that of a small child. This type of selfishness is natural for an infant of small child. They must rely on others to meet their needs in order to survive. Accofding to Freud, this extreme selfishness, or narcissism, is a normal psychosexual stage of development between the stages of auto-eroticism and object-libido. In 1914, Freud published an entire article on the subject titled "On Narcissism: An Introduction."

Children eventually grow out of this narcissistic stage. They grow out of it and learn to understnad that others have needs as well. Unfortunately, not everyone grows out of this stage. If they received too much or too little attention, they may become fixated in this stage, obsessed with getting their needs met at all times. Freud believes fixation can lead to pathological problems later in life, such as pathological narcissism.

Someone with pathological narcissism had an excessive need for attention and admiration. This need is so intense that it severely damages the person's ability to maintain relationships. This is because they suffer from extreme selfishness and have no regard, whatsoever, for the needs and feelings of others.

[massagelady1]

Hello all,
As I have written before my N was asked to leave , and did in February while I was visiting kids in Atlanta. Last week I got a new bed and was rearranging the bedroom furniture . I noticed for the first time since he left that a large round mirror was missing . He new it was not his. It would have taken help getting it out of the house, down the stairs ,and into a vehicle.I couldnt resist calling as I was angry. I asked him if he had it and he said "I dont know". I said "you dont remember if you carried out and brought a 5 ft round piece of glass into your house?" he said he would look for it when he felt like it and hung up on me . I left him a message reminding him that I had dropped off all his bedding and anything else he had left outside his house as he had asked , months before, .Three days later he called but I was talking to a client on the phone and couldnt take his call. His message was that he had "found" my mirror and would try to bring it back the next day. I found it the next day leaning against the house on the carport. I had to struggle with it going upstairs. I did not call to thank him. Isnt that rich? a Narcissist stealing a mirror?

[Ella Scott]

I think that's priceless....the narcissist stealing a mirror. When my ex-husband and I divorced he could care less if he got any of the furniture, with the exception of one thing. He was absolutely adamant that he have the large living room mirror. Unbelievable.

[mer]

LOL, thats too funny.

I also enjoyed the synopsis of what is a narcissist.

I dated one for 5 years. The end was horrible. Two years have gone by and I am still suffering unfortunately. I noticed his parents encouraged it by insisting that he be rich and important like they once were. They missed it I suppose and were trying to get it back through their son. Unfortunately they did not encourage 'being a nice person' or 'developing healthy relationship skills'. Unfortunately he was also really good looking and had a great body (my weakness). I overlooked a lot of stuff. Now that he is sleeping with another woman down the street that was the sister in law of his best friend and a lot of the reality has come back to me about him, it hurts like hell. I hope to avoid men like that in the future. Its tough.

[Ella Scott]

I agree, it can be tough to avoid them. They're charming and know how to suck you in. I still have trouble avoiding them....ignoring signs I know I should look at by telling myself I'm overreacting and think everyone's a narcissist.

[harbourwoman]

An update.. My N came back into my life in October, when help was needed for a matter. Long story short, with his mood flipping even within a day it was tough. Exposing the abuse has also been tough. There are people who believe and people who want to keep their fantasy about this person as their friend, and people who say that they want to stay out of it, but really don't. In November (16th) he assaulted me - grabbing etc. and in front of his kids. I had recouped my wedding bands earlier. That evening he wanted them back. He got into my car and held the gear shift and told me I better not call 911. I was afraid that he would rip the gear shift out of the vehicle and then beat me with it. Then he made me go back into the house - supposedly he wanted my wedding bands again and he gave me his wedding clothing. When he demanded the bands I wanted to say "over my dead body" but had the sense not to make that statement. His statement to me that he hoped I'd crash into a pole, I'd get what I deserved, was unkind at best. There's more. Trying to leave later, he blocked the back of the car with a large orange cooler.

I have been seeing a therapist who advised me to file charges.

I am filing all applicable charges. The first court date will be 1/14.

Take care




I have been seeing a

[Ella Scott]

Good for you, Harbouwoman. You should file charges. This man is dangerous and cannot get away with treating you the way he does. I'm so sorry for what you went through, but use it as a catalyst to do what you've probably needed to do for a long time....file charges....and now you're doing that. We learn from every experience. Please keep us posted. Good luck.